Literary Awards

These trophies and endowments are a strategy by which the members of a given profession attempt to give themselves the attributes of the pre-20th century ruling classes – the military, aristocracy, clergy, etc. – by assigning various orders, decorations and medals to each other.

Literary awards are a superficial expression of undemocratic corporate supremacy.  As with the Jurassic elites before 1900, contemporary awards relate mainly to relationships within the publishing and academic community.  Each time the words “I want to thank” are used by someone being decorated, they indicate a relationship based on power.

The awards have nothing to do with the voting committee’s relationship to the outside world – what you might call the reading public – or for that matter with commercial quality.  Instead, most dowries in the creative arts, including literature, are affiliated with socio-political connections and cultural networks.

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Me and Mommy

Dear Diary,

Mothers, you love your little ones too much
And soothe them with too many smiles.
Don’t make your sons as weak as we are now
Through long, excessive kisses,
Or you will mold their souls in your own image, and they will pay for it one day with pain.
Their hearts will be like women’s hearts,
Easy to be hurt and slow to repair
Feather not their nests to be soft
With all your embraces and caution and care
Let the remembrance of your sweet caresses
Make their lives weary, too hard to endure
Your balmy breath at present
Hovers over their sleep and lingers on
They may, when it is gone
Hardly ever fall asleep again
Oh, mothers!  When you hug your sons
And rock them on your knees
Remember that the memory may haunt them
When they’re on their feet.

~ L’Habitude des Caresses by Auguste Dorchain

I was probably five years old when the contest of wills began with my mother.  She obviously needed to control her child, while I was determined to get my own way.

As a little toddler still in diapers, my defiance implied a doubt as to whether Mommy was perfect after all.  Meanwhile, Mama’s growing intolerance of me implied a doubt as to whether the once flawless baby (me) was as flawless as originally believed.  It was then that her love began to be tested.  Is it an unconditional love, I wondered, or simply one conditioned on my living up to her expectations?  At the time I wanted to know, “If I take an opposite position – if I’m different from you – will I still get loved?”

That prelude in the late 1960’s was amplified in the mid-1970’s when me and Mommy upped the level of emotional intensity.  Perhaps it started when I hit my teens, but all of a sudden chaos broke out between us.

Suddenly, Mommy’s endearing offspring disappeared, replaced by a temperamental tramp with a diminished respect for her wishes or wisdom.

But adolescents like me weren’t always ready for as much freedom as we demanded, and Mommy was more than willing to rein me in.  During one such argument I rebelled and said, “I want to be free.  But you want to keep me locked up.  You want me to be a baby.  You can’t keep me from going out, from having friends.  I want to be loved by someone who understands love, and you can’t even spell the word!”

“So what are your intentions tonight?”

“I’m going out.”

“Oh no, you’re not.”

“I am.  I’m going downtown.  I’m going to hang out.”

“You are not going out.  You’re going to stay in and do your homework.”

“You can’t keep me in this prison.”

“I can keep you here and I intend to.”

“You think you can keep me locked up, but you can’t.  I want to go out.  I want to have fun.  I might even smoke dope.”

“You’re doing no such thing.  You’re 13 years old.”

When I finally did leave home, in stages around 1982-83, life was never again the same for me and Mommy.  Instead of seeing each other in the natural course of the day, we had to plan our get-togethers.  Many parents lose touch with their kids during this phase of life.

We exchanged letters and phone calls, and I cherished the times I went back home to visit.  In a nurturing way I felt connected to these “mother-daughter” moments in the family nest.  And for the first time I began listening to Mommy as she told me about her anguish as she watched me leave home.

“When you left home and walked out the door it broke my heart.  It seemed so unfair that after all that time and effort in raising and caring for you, you just up and left.  I felt grief and sadness, my heart torn open.  But I thought back to what my own parents must have gone through when I left home.  Then, I didn’t have any awareness about what feelings I created in them by leaving.  I was completely caught up in my young adult self-absorption and the adventure that lay before me.  Now I know what they felt.”

Resting my head on her lap as she petted my hair, I looked at Mom and said, “I love you, Mommy.”

“I love you too, baby.”

When Mommy died in April 1992 I was at once set free and abandoned.  Mommy was no longer there to supervise, control, help, advise, dominate, support, criticize, and love.

Mommy’s death was her final task in letting me go, her final surrender of control.

As Mommy left her fragile body, as she vanished behind a veil of silence, she became more vivid, more vibrant in my mind’s eye.  I was startled by the transcendence that occurred in my psyche.

Twenty years on I’m just starting to re-examine the life that put me here.

There is no love like a mother’s love, and I love you Mommy, and wish you were still here to hold me, cuddle me, and pamper me.

Your Baby,
Brian

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The Salem Witch Trials

Dear Diary,

“Mary Chase felt a funny turn in her stomach.  It was an egg yolk, they said, that Tituba had swirled in the water to tell the girls’ fortunes.  And that was where the strangeness had begun, in the kitchen of Tituba, the slave of the Reverend Samuel Parris in the village of Salem.” ~ Beyond The Burning Time by Kathryn Lasky

Introduction

Sometimes ill-favoured and bad-tempered, usually sharp-tongued – they were people who scared the living daylights out of ordinary folk because of their headstrong independance, or aroused envy because of their hypnotic aura.  Their personal powers seemed to come from the devil.  People called them witches.

And what did these witches have in common?  They were women.  Women who used all their wits and wiles to survive in an often-times hostile world.  Desperately unhappy housewives, young women and girls, a little eccentric maybe, usually poor, but hunted down and tortured by the law, even put to death.  Their greatest crime being born female.

Officially accused of witchcraft there happened to be other reasons why these women were singled out for persecution.  Some really did have more wits and wiles than their neighbours.  Some had more intelligence.  Some had special talents or skills that made them “different” or “dangerous”.  Some, like Martha Carrier, were simply a burden and a nuisance to those around them.  Over three hundred years ago one way to get rid of a person who annoyed you was to call her a witch.

Nowadays most people don’t believe in witchcraft.  They know there are sensible reasons why crops fail or sickness strikes.  And yet…and yet…fringe elements in society know they don’t even have to hang ’em high anymore…just push the car into the Rideau Canal and be done with it.

Centuries ago people blamed bad luck and unexpected troubles on the devil and demons and witches.  It was impossible to destroy Satan, they thought, but you could hunt down the witches, who were human beings.

In the American colonies if a woman was “different” she was likely to be singled out as a witch.  Bridget Bishop was too liberated to suit the puritans of Salem Village.  Long before they tried her as a witch, they disapproved of her red dresses and the noisy tavern she ran on Ipswich Road.  Another “sorceress” from Salem made herself unpopular by snatching the town’s most eligible bachelor away from several other girls.

The case I’ve profiled happened a long time ago, in 1692.  But it wouldn’t do to look down our noses at our ancestors for being superstitious.  There are still “witch hunts” happening today whenever governments, corporate concerns, and dictators look around for human scapegoats to blame for their troubles.  There are still the “demons” of prejudice, ignorance, and apathy that make one group persecute another.

The people in the following scenario are real people, and what happened to them is a matter of record.  Some of the conversations have been dramatized.  All dialogue, however, is based as closely as possible upon known facts.

The Bridget Bishop Story

Like a wild animal, Abigail Hobbes haunted the woods near Salem Village.  At night, when most Puritan girls were safely shut behind doors, Abigail went where she wished, careless of her personal safety.  Sometimes in the daytime she would appear in someone’s doorway, demanding food.  If it was refused, she would make faces and threaten to put a curse on the house.

“Your cows will go dry.  Your hens will not lay eggs,” she would hiss.  “Take care you don’t cross me.  You know I am a witch.”

No one in Salem Village was afraid of the girl, but almost everyone was sorry for her parents.  The Hobbes’ were hardworking and God-fearing folk.  They didn’t deserve a crazy daughter like Abigail.

“Someone ought to do something about that girl,” the housewives told each other.  Goody Sibley, who liked to tend to other people’s business, decided to try.  She cornered Abigail.

“You should go home and make yourself tidy,” said Goody Sibley.  “You know your behaviour grieves your mother.  How is it that you run about the woods and sleep there at night?  Aren’t you fearful?”

Abigail laughed shrilly.  “I’m not afraid of anything.  The Old Boy takes care of me.  He owns me, body and soul.”

Goody Sibley clicked her tongue.  She knew that by the “Old Boy”, Abigail meant the devil.  “Have a care, girl.  Such talk will get you into trouble.”

By now the confrontation had attracted the attention of two other women.  One of them was Lydia Nichols.  With her friend, Goody Chubb, she rushed to lend Goody Sibley moral support.

“Shame on you, Abigail!” said Lydia.  “You should be run out of the colony, but for your poor mother.”

Abigail laughed again, deep in her throat.  “I care nothing for what you say,” she sneered.  “I have seen the devil and made a bargain with him.  I know others in this village who made the same bargain.”

“Who?” demanded the shocked Goody Sibley.

“Ask Bridget Bishop.”  Abigail scampered away, heading for the woods again.  “Ask Bridget Bishop,” she called over her shoulder.

The three women looked at each other, their mouths drawn down disapprovingly.  In their opinion, Bridget Bishop was a scandal.  Puritan women were expected to wear dark, somber colours, but Bridget wore red dresses.  Her bodice was tightly laced to show off her neat, shapely waist – and the laces were also brightly coloured: blue, bright yellow, green.

It was not only Bridget’s clothes, but the way she earned her living that bothered the women of Salem.  Bridget kept two taverns, one in Salem Town, and one on the road to the town of Beverly.  Neighbours often complained that young men hung about these places at all hours of the night, playing shuffleboard and keeping decent folks awake with their loud talk and laughter and singing.  Bridget herself had a way of laughing too loudly and too often.  She was said to have a “smooth, flattering manner,” Lydia recalled sourly.

There was another thing that made people talk about Bridget Bishop, and it had to do with witchcraft.  Some years earlier, in 1679, she had been tried in Beverly, accused of causing the death of Goodwife Eunice Trask “by spells”.

Bridget’s trouble with Goody Trask arose from those late hours at the tavern.  The loud shouts and laughter of the shuffleboard players had kept the neighbourhood awake for several nights in a row, and finally it was too much for Goody Trask.  She stormed into the tavern, grabbed the game pieces, and threw them in the fire.  Then she ordered the customers to leave.

Looking sheepish, they did so, but Goody Trask stayed on.  She had some things to say to Bridget, and said them in a shrill voice for over an hour.  “Disgrace!”  “Ungodly!”  “Shameful!” were some of the words that rang out clearly in the night air.

On the next Sunday, Bridget came forward to receive the Sacrament in church.  Goody trask shoved her aside.  “She is not fit for this honour,” shouted the old woman.

Bridget said nothing.  Perhaps her meakness made Goody Trask ashamed of herself.  Some days later, she came to the tavern to apologize to Bridget.  “The fault was mine,” Bridget said graciously.  “Let us be friends.”  And from then on, they seemed to be.

But Goody Trask grew mentally disturbed as she got older.  She was often loud and boisterous in church, and would rush about, disturbing the congregation.  Her antics were always followed by periods of deep depression.  She would beg forgiveness, and weep and pray.  But more and more she came to realize she could not control her outbursts.  Filled with remorse, the old woman killed herself one day with a pair of scissors.

But some people thought Bridget had used spells to cause Goody Trask to take her own life.  They claimed Bridget’s friendship with the lonely woman was only a false front.  Underneath, they said, Bridget nursed a deep grudge and planned revenge.  So Bridget was tried for using “supernatural means” to bring about Goody Trask’s death.

Things might have gone badly for her if it hadn’t been for her clergyman, John Hale.  He came forward to point out that Goody Trask was of unsound mind, as everyone knew who had witnessed her wild behaviour at services.  In his opinion, she had put an end to her own life, and Bridget could not be blamed.

Hale’s testimony carried a lot of weight, and Bridget was set free.

Now here was Abigail Hobbes, in 1691-92, naming Bridget Bishop as a witch, and bringing back memories of that earlier trial.

“Bridget Bishop…” said Lydia thoughtfully.  “I always wondered if the jury made a mistake.  The Reverend Hale thinks good of everyone.  There was always talk Bridget bewitched her first husband to death.”

Goody Sibley said nothing.  She was thinking that it wouldn’t do to pay too much attention to the words of a girl who was plainly out of her head.  Abigail Hobbes was ignorant, filthy, and a nuisance to everyone.  She was determined to get attention at any cost.  But that did not make her a witch, no matter how she went around boasting about her contract with Lucifer.

In the minds of the three women, the name of Bridget Bishop lingered.  Where there was so much smoke about a person, there must be some fire.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen of Reverend Samuel Parris, minister to Salem Village, things were happening that spelled deep trouble for Bridget.

The Parris kitchen was full of village girls, listening to Tituba, the Parris slave, tell of West Indies magic.  It was the most fun they had had in their lives.  But their pleasure was tinged with guilt and fear.  Listening to such stories, telling fortunes, practicing voodoo, and conjuring with eggs and scissors – such Caribbean activities were taboo in a Puritan community.  If they were found out, what would they do?  Who would they blame to shift punishment from themselves?

When these girls began to name this neighbour and that one as witches, Bridget’s name wasn’t long in coming up.  Abigail Hobbes was arrested, and freely confessed that she served the devil.  Her frightened mother was also dragged off to jail.  To save her skin, she also confessed.  Both women named Bridget as a sister witch.

Bridget was used to her neighbours’ resentment, but even she was surprised to hear what they had to say against her.  She was supposed to have appeared in one man’s room in the middle of the night, even though the doors were bolted.  Then she had vanished in a puff of smoke.  She had caused horses to go lame, dogs to go mad, wheels to come off wagons.

It was all beyond belief, yet here was Justice Hathorne asking her, “Why are you a witch?”

“I don’t know what a witch is,” said Bridget, rolling her eyes to scorn.  That was a bad thing to do.  Instantly, the Afflicted Girls all went rigid and rolled their eyes.  Surely that was proof that Bridget had an evil power to make the girls do her will.

“Does it not trouble you to see these innocent children tormented so?” demanded the justice.

“It troubles me to hear you call them innocent,” snapped Bridget.  She was ordered off to await trial in prison.

Not long after that, Abigail Hobbes had her day in court.  She was enjoying herself.  Here at last every eye was fixed upon her.  She made the most of it, telling how she had gone to meetings with nine other witches in the Parris pasture.  She even said she had killed young boys and girls at the devil’s order.

“Who were these children?” asked the magistrate.

Abigail said she didn’t know.  She had never seen them before.

The Afflicted Girls interrupted.  Would the justice please show Abigail mercy?  She was pitiful and they were sorry for her.  Perhaps she might sit with them in court and point out other witches.

The justices did not care for this idea.  Abigail had confessed, so she would not hang.  But they thought she would be less of a distraction if she was locked up in jail.

When Bridget came to trial on June 2, 1692, she still wore her red finery.  It was dirty and bedraggled now, but she still held her head high.  The sight of her seemed to annoy men like Justice Stoughton and Cotton Mather.  Did she think the devil would save her?  Stoughton would accept only evidence against her.  Mather pointed out there was no point in wasting time proving she was a witch – “this being evident to all beholders.”

“The devil is with her, whispering in her ear!” shrieked the Afflicted Girls.

The guards who brought her into court also had a strange tale to tell.  On the way from the jail, they said she had “cast a glance” at the meeting house.  Then a loud clatter was heard.  When the guards rushed inside the meeting house to see what damage her glance had done, they found a board had been ripped off a wall and flung into another part of the room.

Men like William Stacy, Richard Conan, and Jack Louden testified that Bridget had magically come to their chambers and disturbed their sleep.  Sometimes, according to Jack Louden, she appeared “in her own shape”, and sometimes in the shape of a black pig.  He told the enthralled crowd that once she came with “the body of a monkey, the feet of a rooster, and the face of a man.”  He could not explain how he knew it was Bridget behind the disguise.

William Stacy said he prayed when this happened to him, and Bridget vanished.  But then his child got sick and died.  Bridget must have caused this death by witchcraft.

A weaver and dyer named Samuel Shattuck said that Bridget had brought him some bodice laces to dye for her.  But the laces were “too small to be of human use.”  However, he added, they were just right for a doll – a witch’s doll.

Shattuck thought Bridget might have used just such a doll to cause his son’s illness.  He told how the boy had suffered from fits, as if he were bewitched.  A neighbour suggested that Shattuck should take the boy to Bridget and let him scratch her face.  It was believed that if a victim drew blood from a witch’s face, it would break her spell.

But when Shattuck tried this remedy, Bridget fought back.  She wouldn’t let the boy scratch her.  Instead, she scratched him.

“And ever since,” said Shattuck, “the child has grievous fits, acting so strange that he must be bewitched.  The doctors say he is under the evil hand of witchcraft.”  Bridget’s evil hand, of course.

Bridget looked around the court for Reverend Hale.  He had helped her once, would he help her now?  But John Hale’s face was grim and set.  Now he believed in the Afflicted Girls, not in Bridget.

Now William Stacy was telling the court how he had once admired and liked her.  She had visited him often in 1678, when he lay ill with smallpox.  She gave him odd jobs when he got well and needed to make a living.  But he said that when she paid him, a strange thing happened.

“I had gone only a few steps from her, and the money vanished.”

He remembered that Bridget said people were gossiping about her, and begged him to pay no attention to them.  “She brought me corn to grind because others said she was a witch.  They wouldn’t grind it for her.”

A witness told how Bridget had “overlooked” Samuel Gray’s baby, and the baby had died a week later.  Samuel accused Bridget of causing the child’s death.  Everyone in court knew that later when Gray himself was dying, he confessed he had been of “unsound mind”, and begged Bridget to forgive him.  But Justice Stoughton would not let Gray’s confession be put down on the record.

Looking dazed and ill, Goody Hobbes was brought into court in chains.  She claimed Bridget’s “Shape” had appeared in her cell and beaten her with iron rods.  Why?  “Because I did confess I was a witch.”

But it was the dolls that sealed Bridget’s fate.  She had hired two men to knock down a wall “in the house she formerly lived in.”  Behind the wall, the men said they found witch’s dolls made of rags and hog bristles, and stuck full of headless pins.

“How do you explain these dolls?” asked Justice Hathorne.

Bridget seemed to give up.  “I have no explanation that is reasonable,” she answered wearily.

At the last minute, two character witnesses begged to be heard.  they were Bridget’s stepson, Edward, and his wife.  They called the Afflicted Girls liars.

“Bridget is not one to harm anyone,” Edward stated.  His words were drowned out as the girls began to scream.  No one in court wanted to hear them anyway.

Justice Stoughton delivered the sentence of death.  He told Bridget the sheriff would “take you to the place of execution, and there you be hanged by the neck until you are dead.”

The place of execution was Gallows Hill, a stony ridge crowned by a few old trees.  A creaking cart brought Bridget there on June 10, 1692.  She was met by a large crowd.  They watched while she was lifted from the cart and stood on a ladder, leaning against one of the taller trees.  A noose was dropped around her neck, and someone kicked the ladder away.

The crowd straggled home, but they would be back.  Bridget was only the first of 19 people to die in the Salem witchcraft panic.

Conclusion

The tragedy that unfolded in Salem probably originated in the childish fantasies of a group of little girls and was carried to its deadly climax by what would now be called false accusation syndrome.  It was largely these Afflicted Girls, who, inflamed by the terrors of Calvinism as their immature minds understood it, found relief for their tensions in an emotional orgy which engulfed not only Salem but the entire Massachusetts Bay Colony.

The result was by no means the most sensational example of witchhunt and/or mob hysteria on record.

Another reason for the Salem trials might lie in the self-serving sexist concepts of religious fervor.  Like modern-day corporations, New World Catholicism in 1692 was still heavily influenced by outside interest groups, in this case the Vatican.  The one characteristic shared by all Puritans (or corporations) is that the primary relationship of individual members is to the company and not to society at large.

In Salem the Puritans were spiritually linked with both the Jesuit Order and the medieval craft guilds.  Therefore, community elders in Salem, responding quickly to the theological SOS, easily felt compelled to waive a woman’s rights with the corporate mandate of institutionalized religion.  Thus, the Puritanical faith superseded the role of pure democracy.  In their own relationship with the outside world, corporations deal whenever possible with other corporations, not with individuals.

A third cause in why 19 people were hung at Gallows Hill could be traced back to the absence of a well-defined jury at Salem Courthouse.  Law books offer guidance.  Facts in various forms present illustrations, anecdotal and otherwise.  The jury then considers the best possible truth.  Their backroom labours are a good example of humanist balance, which explains why the profession of lawyers and judges in the past twenty-five years are constantly reducing the types of cases and conditions in which juries can be used.

Love,
Brian

 

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The Stabbing

Dear Diary,

My mother’s knuckles were bone-white, as if the skin had worn off them in the hour of waiting.  She looked past me to Doctor Gordon, and he must have nodded, or smiled, because her face relaxed.

“A few more shock treatments, Mrs. Greenwood,” I heard Doctor Gordon say, “and I think you’ll notice a wonderful improvement.”

~ The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

Darkness falls.  I sit in the smouldering black with frightened memories; scaredy-cat nerves.

Every evening as nighttime flutters in, I make sure the windows are closed and the doors are locked.  The deadbolts are solid and the security system inside and out is impeccable.  One push of the button on my mobile remote and a bonded guard will be at my home in four minutes.

After I was stabbed many years ago I had other guardians at my house – 14 hours later.  It took Kingston’s finest that long to respond to someone’s distress call.  I was very upset by their lack of punctuality (greasy palm prints were all over one of the back windows and Constable _________ did nothing to initiate a forensic exam).

I’ve never talked at length about the stabbing in public, and I’ve never even mentioned it to the one or two friends I’ve had since then.  A fellow called Neil (one of the non-wounded victims) has often told the story to other people, and another tenant in the triplex, John (also not assaulted) apparently regales many barroom buddies with the anecdote.  Rick was a friend of theirs and he too walked away without a scratch.  A college student named Donnie was subletting one of the guest rooms upstairs.  George and his teenage son, Stephen, were living in the remodelled basement apartment.

Before our paths diversified elsewhere, a number of times I socialized with these upstairs/downstairs neighbours and when I got together with them, they did most of the talking.  I was told to be quiet and I was.  But I found it eye-opening, to say the least, how different the reminiscing can be when the subjective incident was the same.  I’m not sure how many times the others have talked about the break and enter episode – in my own case it was far worse – but during yoga or meditation my mind sometimes wouldn’t stay quiet as I wondered, But I didn’t realize that happened; Are you sure my viewpoint is wrong; When did that episode take place during the B&E?

In their own way the residents were not wrong, nor was my perception right.  A person’s experience and recollection can often be one-dimensional.  In the years that followed I conjured over the concept of “historical facts and figures.”

At one point in the late 1990s I read Mata Hari: The True Story, Russell Warren Howe’s poignant chronicle of Mata Hari’s arrest, imprisonment and execution, and it gave the vengeance in my soul a little stir.  But I was aware of how the other works I’ve read on the subject – some of them very authoritative and most of them based on Captain Ladoux’s observational journals – differed not just in detail and interpretation, but in matters of basic chronology and geography: what happened where, when, in what way, to whom.

And once you get into the writings of other Mata Hari support players, events start slipping and sliding even more progressively – but everybody, every letter writer, politician, Surete agent, notebook author, prison guard, lawyer, and yellow journalist in or near Paris in 1917 or back at Sorbonne University talking out his memories in the parlour, is quite certain of the facts.  No doubt this is human nature because after sitting down with their quill pens and inkwell (or typewriter and dictaphone) the words “I don’t remember” and “I’m not sure one way or the other” don’t seem adequate, even if they do reflect reality more accurately than the text they’re about to compose.

The B&E – it was more like a violent home invasion – happened at approximately 3:15 am on October 16, 1993.  The people in the residence on Palace Road that night were Neil, John, Rick, Donnie, George, Stephen and myself.

It was late at night (or early morning, depending on your nomenclature) when three men sliced a hole through the mesh screen on the kitchen window, which I had left slightly open to let the soft fall breeze come in.  They wore dark clothes, gloves and ski masks.  The trio had knives and since my apartment was the first one they entered.  The words, “Wake up!  Where’s your money?” shocked me out of my slumber.

As one of them stayed put to guard me with a knife to the throat, the other two went down the side hallway, jimmied the door to the basement, and aggressively roused George and Stephen.  The armed robbers were well synchronized and they manouevred through the house with relative ease.  When George and Stephen were both marched up the steps to the ground floor unit, the thugs pushed and punched the three of us out of my residence to the foyer where at knifepoint they hustled us up the staircase to the top floor.  Everyone there was yanked out of bed and while one of the hoods searched the premises for something valuable to steal, the other two kept us all at bay, spread-eagled on the floor in the common lounge.

The guy went from room to room and nabbed several items that seemed to be expensive, like the VCR for instance, and then, two at a time, the residents and I were taken back downstairs while constantly hearing threats on our lives.

About that time I started snivelling and one of the hoods said, “Shut up or you’re going to die.”

Back in my apartment all of us were ordered to lay on the floor again and although I tried to stay calm, I wasn’t doing very well in that regard.  Soon I started to grow anxious and uncertain; I wanted them out and said so and I crawled across the floor to the spare telephone in the living room.

They saw me and one of them grabbed me from behind.  I really started to lose my composure and I got to my feet and made for the phone.  I told them I was going to call the police if they didn’t leave instantly.  As one of them yanked my arm, another ripped the phone apart.  (The phones in the other two apartments were also wrecked.)

I barely had time to figure out my next move when I was pumelled to the floor.  I was punched in the head several times and after my face looked like strawberry jam, the others were ordered downstairs.

I was absolutely terrified and amidst my screams and flailing arms and legs, the thug who was manhandling me chose to use his knife as an assault implement and not just a B&E accessory.

I was kicking my feet and pushing hard against him with my hands when he clutched his knife and thrust the sharp point into my stomach about two inches.  I’m not sure if he nicked a vessel or cut my intestines, but all of a sudden a whole lot of blood started sieving out of my torso.  Three more stabs followed and he left me there on the floor.

I overheard one of them ask, “Did you do it?”

“Yeah.  I took care of that screeching asshole.”

“What about the others?”

“We’ll finish them off too if they get out of hand.”

When they zipped shut their kitbag full of valuables, the robbers left around 3:30 am.

I managed to grab the quilt on the sofa and stuck it on my stomach to stem the loss of blood.  I also wrapped a belt around my waist.  the others came in and helped me.  One of them stepped outside to see which way the assailants left.  Another found my box of bandaids.  One guy made coffee.  George and Stephen went back downstairs to watch TV and talk things over, and the others returned to their rooms on the top floor.

I must have lost consciousness, or perhaps I simply fell asleep, for the next thing I remembered was waking up around 1:00 pm.  I forced myself from the floor, staggered next door, and had them phone an ambulance.  In the Emergency ward of Hotel Dieu Hospital I lay on the trolley as I was wheeled in fifteen or twenty minutes later.

In spite of vomiting every thirty minutes (I might have had a concussion) they kept me at Hotel Dieu for only six hours.  My torso was wrapped in gauze, my face taped up, and I was formally discharged.  The medic did mention something about internal bleeding in the intestines, but that I shouldn’t be too concerned about it.  However, he added, if the knife had gone an inch deeper and to the left, I would have been a goner.

On the evening of October 16 I had no money on my person, so a taxi was impossible.  The receptionist at the Dieu was kind enough to let me use her phone for a few minutes and I called a friend and explained my predicament.  I asked him if he could come by the hospital and drive me home.  Unfortunately it was dinner time for him and my request interrupted his meal.  “Call me back in a couple hours,” he said.  Some other people I knew said much the same thing so I walked home, all the way from the Dieu in the downtown core to Palace Road in the West End.  About a mile, give or take a few metres.

En route I managed to rip open the wounds and reached home at nine o’clock with a mass of blood dripping from my shirt.

Since I’d forgotten to grab my keys when I left, I couldn’t get in.  Eventually I was forced to clamber in through the kitchen window.

After I settled down I went next door and phoned the city police.  A cruiser and two constables arrived fourteen hours later, at eleven o’clock the next morning.

I recovered physically from the attack in two or three weeks but it took a long time to emotionally recover.  (In some ways I’ve never recovered, spiritually that is.)  For quite a while I was frightened, scared, depressed, anxious, and socially unresponsive.  I suffered from nocturnal enuresis and became more and more catatonic.

In some desperate, lonely way I took to slicing my wrists just to see the blood trickle out.  For a while I slept with Colonel Colt, if you know what I mean.  Once a week I talked things over with a psychotherapist.

Alas, one good thing evolved from the stabbing incident; a month later I decided to start a publishing company.

Love,
Brian

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The Apostles of Infinite Love

St. Jovite Monastery Compound in Quebec

Dear Diary,

Confucious say, “One who look to sky for help shall get stiff neck.”

Inspired by meditation and counselling at the Philoxia Retreat after Mommy died, I felt persuaded to seek further solace in a spiritual program in Montreal organized by the Apostles of Infinite Love.

A dogged interest in overcoming grief that summer had led me to the Apostles.  My therapist didn’t have the answers and I became a bit tired of telling her that I was sad.

An inner bonding workshop at Sacred Source in Kingston further prefaced my commitment to venture east to Quebec.  Several letters and phone calls to Father Jean Gregory and his counsellors encouraged my faith and in July I took the Greyhound bus to Montreal for the one-month theological training course.

During my “postulant” studies I felt I had returned to my pre-natal roots but back home in Kingston some of my athiest friends were concerned that I was getting “brainwashed” by my experience at the monastery.  I became a born-again Christian and joined the religious order.  “There is a Higher Power in my life,” one of my letters went, “and His name is Father Jean Gregory whom I love and worship with all my heart.”

In retrospect there was a dark side to the Apostles.  Not that I was hungry, but there were a goodly number of days when I went without food.  I was also given herbal medications to take, which I later discovered were ketamine and estinal.  There was a lot of praying, daily confessionals, written questionnaires to fill out, bathroom floors to scrub.  I spent a day in the punishment cell for disobeying orders.

After two weeks I adopted the name “Cricket”, commenced wearing a feminine robe, and routintely got down on my hands and knees to give head to Father Jean.  At the time it pleasured me to pleasure him.  I have no idea how many times I was penetrated anally, but it felt enjoyable.

One one occasion there was a synod symposium at another church in Montreal and I was fortunate enough to attend the case conference as one of the pamphleteers.  The ministry was called Solar Temple and some of their mission statements piqued my interest, especially as I had earlier written a subjective account of astral projection for Ed Mitchell’s Institute of Noetic Science.

In the end I left the Apostles – of my own free will – and returned to Kingston with a deeper sense of gender, karma, spirituality and personal freedom.

Love,
Brian

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The Night Watch

Dear Diary,

“It does make it all right, though – doesn’t it?” asked Helen quietly. 

“In the sense, I mean, that we’ve still got St. Paul’s – I’m not talking about Churchill, or flags.  But while we’ve still got this and all it stands for.  I mean, elegance, and reason, and – and great beauty – then the war is still worth fighting.  Isn’t it?”

“Is that what this war’s about?” asked Julia.

“What do you think it’s about?”

“I think it’s about the love of savagery, rather than our love of beauty.”

~ The Night Watch by Sarah Waters

The movie version of The Night Watch is every bit as gimmicky as the novel.  Moving back in time from 1947 to 1944 to 1941, the story weaves a disconnected thread through the lives of four people in London, England during World War II.  Like most ensemble narratives on film, the characters are poorly introduced and developed.  No sooner was the first one displayed for a few minutes than the next one was unveiled, and then another, and another.

Much of the flow was further hindered by the modern approach to filmmaking in which nobody is identified by name for a while.  In a 90 minute production the featured character – whose reminiscing begins and ends the story – wasn’t effectively revealed until 45 minutes in.  The same went for all the others.

Finally, after an hour I started to warm to the pathetic lives of an entourage of oblique, desperate, painful characters as they tried to cope with the Second World War as author Sarah Waters envisioned it.

Compared to the book the telefilm was lean, tight and raw.  It was still utterly confusing and pointless, but the movie only punished me for an hour and a half, not the four months it took me to hack my way through Waters’ overwrought prose.  At least the film spared me all the F-words.  (Can’t anyone write novels anymore without 200 vulgar eipthets?)

It’s a sad day in the operating theatre when the best thing about The Night Watch was reading the bibliography at the end of the book.  So if you ever read this, Sarah, maybe it’s time you revisit your basic surgical technique when you carve up a new story.

Cut.

Incision.

Suture.

In 450 pages of wartime alientation, Ms. Waters’ white-knuckled grasping for significance and big statements can be tiring at times.  her story editor at Riverhead Books must have taken leave of his or her senses when they analyzed the manuscript.  In my own parallel appraisal I trimmed 300 pages from the story, leaving only Kay and her ambulance episodes.

Of late Sarah Waters seems to be a good corporate example of failing upwards.  With the exception of her mesmerizing Tipping The Velvet (both book and film), her subsequent novels have been poorly conceived and written.

If a Booker nominated book like The Night Watch had been penned and published during the time period in which the story was set, the author and her affiliates would have been indicted for literary incompetence.

Heed this well, Milady!

Cut.

Incision.

Suture.

And don’t forget to tie up the loose ends.

Love,
Brian

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Valentine’s Day

Dear Diary,

The word “venereal” was first inspired from Venus, the goddess of love.  With the rise of Protestant religions and science, the word “disease” was tacked on in a revealing combination of categories and moralizing.

Which disease?

The disease of love.

Happy VD…Valentine’s Day.

Love,
Brian

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Orson Welles’ Last Movie

Academy Poster for Orson Welles's Chimes at Midnight (1966)

Dear Diary,

Chimes at Midnight is a clumsy adaptation of Shakespeare that nontheless contains several brilliant flashes.  Tempering the innovation though, are the usual latter-day Wellesian vices of hasty cinematography, poor synchronization, and audio recording, etc.

One wonders why, if he wanted to make a telescoped version of the plays, he did not spare the time and patience to make it better.” ~ Film Guide by Leslie Halliwell

Much has been written about Citizen Kane, his first picture, and almost nothing about his final film.

Orson Welles directed Chimes at Midnight in Spain circa 1964 and the backroom events surrounding the making of his last dramatized feature are still layered in mystery almost fifty years later.

A mini-epic based on several Shakespeare tragedies, Chimes was perfect source material for Welles because the Bard’s story seemed to echo his personal decline.  By the 1960s the onetime “Boy Genius” had become an overweight despot.  His youthful idealism gone, Orson now socialized with tyrants like Franco and washed-up old Nazis living in Madrid.  In essence he had become an ex-patriate version of William Randolph Hearst, the stylized subject of his first movie.

Ironically, Orson’s cinematic downfall was authored by a new edition of Hearst: modern-day newspaper tycoon Robert Maxwell.

Welles was apparently so outraged by Maxwell’s sleazy press coverage about him in the mid-1960s that he tried to convince Astor House, the media centre that owned The London Times, to buy out Maxwell’s newly chartered British newspaper chain.

While this War-of-the-Words was happening, Orson’s unusual life with his young mistress, Oja Kodar, represented Euro trash at its finest.

While the U.K. tabloids libelled Welles and his Marion Davies-like consort without remorse, Chimes aka Falstaff belatedly limped into American movie theatres in 1967.  But the rosebud wilted.

Love,
Brian

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Princess Kate & Pantyhose

Photo of Princess Kate in sheer pantyhose courtesy of Glossy Pantyhose.com

Dear Diary,

“Consistently elegant and ladylike Duchess Kate’s fashion choices are far from scandalous. Despite this her outfits have still managed to create controversy. Kate’s legs are barely ever bared. Instead of showing some skin she continues to cover up with nude pantyhose at every royal appearance.

This has raised the question – are pantyhose back?” ~ dailygloss.com

Flesh-coloured pantyhose are coming back in style thanks to Princess Kate.  The fashionable wife of Prince William has been wearing tan-shaded hoisery for a couple years now but since the Royal Wedding last spring, skin-tone leg garments are now being re-marketed for a public that stopped wearing them twenty years ago.

In recent months though, many women are returning to flesh pantyhose because they display the contours of their legs more effectively.  Thighs are usually tighter than calves and the “nude look” nylons and hose are sometimes more videogenic than black hoisery.

A revival for tan tights has been brewing in the fashion world for a few years now, but until Kate entered the public eye in the summer of 2009, skin-toned pantyhose were a no-no.

I must have bought my last pair of transparent tights over fifteen years ago, and until recently I was forever loyal to solid black.  In the “beige format” days before 1990 my primary brand was Hanes and I was highly impressed by the Silk Reflections line.

Kate Middleton has helped to re-popularize an essential wardrobe accessory for women.  Despite the few complaints from those who wear black hoisery – along with black skirts, tops, shoes, hats, belts, earrings, tattoos, bracelets, eyeliner and nail varnish – a lighter shade of pale is maybe what the world needs during this time of economic misery.

Love,
Brian

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Gridiron

Dear Diary,

“We at General Motors are proud to be exclusive sponsors of the Super Bowl, the greatest event in the history of the world.  And the heroes on the field all agree.  Our new pick-up truck is the finest super-structure ever built in mankind’s long history of glorious achievement.  It can drive up mountains, travel down valleys, manoeuvre through the woods, and cruise over sand dunes.  Buy one today.  Be a hero.  Be a winner.  The new GM truck can quarterback your life.”

In the United States more women are battered on “Super Sunday” than on any other day of the year.  These beatings shouldn’t be taken as a characteristic of the sport itself, because football has been an important and agreeable factor in stabilizing the gonad energy of young men for over a century.  (Public executions in the town square had recently stopped.)

Super Sunday is relatively typical of muscle bound competition used as a social value.  Everyone, except the few who are playing, is reduced to the disembodied role of spectators.

And spectators do participate through some of their senses.  Eyes, ears, mouths, and emotions can be used to worship their athletic gods.  But during this process they deprive themselves of their existence as individuals capable of action.  They become passive participants in the.

The aim in football is to move the pigskin across the goal line.  This positive skill is unfortunately little more than the objective spice of the game.

The central characteristic, involving most of the players on the field, is that the movement of the football is halted in each play by a physical assault on its carrier.  Spectators may get excited about these repeated demonstrations of basic masculinity.  The more excited they become through passive participation, the more their manhood gets stimulated.

In the final analysis, a guy’s got to prove his worth by hitting someone, invariably his wife or girlfriend because she is too slow in bringing another pitcher of beer or because she is talking to her male spouse during the half-time show.

Love,
Brian

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